What to say to someone who has lost a baby: Messages of love and suppo

The loss of a baby, no matter the situation or timing, is devastating. It’s a time of sadness where parents need love, support and empathy from those around them more than ever.

When someone you know loses their baby or pregnancy, it can be hard to know what to say. Of course, everyone will grieve the loss in their own way, and you might worry about saying the wrong thing, or even that it would be better if you said nothing at all. Sometimes we don’t know what to say and that’s okay. Remind yourself, it’s not about the words, it’s about the love and compassion behind them.

Our Hallmark writers reached out to a number of women who’ve experienced these difficulties to see how they’d like people to respond. The overwhelming response was that they absolutely do want to hear from you. They want you to reach out. They want their loss, their pain and their baby to be acknowledged.

We’ve put together a number of helpful tips to craft messages of sympathy and support, and we hope they provide you with some inspiration for how to show you care during what can be a very difficult path to parenthood.

Miscarriage
Stillbirth or Infant Loss
Difficulty Conceiving or Fertility Issues

Miscarriage

A miscarriage is a distressing event both emotionally and physically, no matter how far along the pregnancy is. It can be really tough to know exactly how to respond to someone going through this type of loss, but what we heard again and again from parents was “don’t ignore that it happened.”

What to say
A miscarriage is a loss for both the parents, one or both might blame themselves for the loss and will need extra support and kindness from those they love. Acknowledge the couple in your note and remind them that they’re a team.

“My heart goes out to you as you grieve for the baby you were so looking forward to meeting. I’ll be thinking of both of you in the days and weeks ahead and checking in to see if there’s anything helpful I can do.”
“Please be gentle with yourself/yourselves right now and grieve however you need to.”
“This was not your fault. You loved your baby so well.”
“I know how devastating this is. And I know how badly you wanted this baby.”
“Keeping you and [Partner's Name] in my thoughts and hoping for healing to come to you in time.”
“I’m so sorry on the loss of your pregnancy and your sweet baby-to-be.”
“I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Sending caring thoughts your way and hoping for peace and healing when you’re ready.”
“I know how much your baby was already loved. I am so sorry you won’t get to hold your little one in your arms.”
“Take all the time you need to grieve and heal. I’m here for you through it all.”
If the baby had a name, acknowledge it - “I’m so sorry for your loss. Baby Leo was already so loved, and I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling.”

In the UK, an estimated 1 in 5* pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet most people who experience one feel isolated.

*Source: Tommy’s

What Not to Say

“Everything happens for a reason” is meaningless and not at all comforting.
“You can try again” or “At least you know you can get pregnant.” is insensitive, they are mourning the loss of their baby.
“Maybe there was something wrong with the baby.”
“At least it was early on.”

The circumstances surrounding the loss don't matter, a life was envisioned, birthdays were planned, a new room was decorated (or planned to be). Send your sympathies with respect and empathy.

“It doesn’t matter how early you were in your pregnancy, as soon as you got that positive test result, you felt like a mum.” Olivia C.

Other Offers of Support

Remember and acknowledge the due date or anniversary of the loss. Most mums who’ve been through a pregnancy loss have these dates etched on their hearts forever.
Many women won’t feel well or will need some time for their bodies to heal after a miscarriage. Offer to bring lunch, watch older children, do some bits around the house and allow them rest.

“A friend donated board books to a local children’s hospital in our baby’s honour. It meant the world to us.” Julia A.

Stillbirth or Infant Loss

What to Say

“So deeply sorry you have to go through a heartbreak like this. Sharing in your sorrow and keeping your family in our thoughts.”
Use the baby’s name. “I wish your beautiful Olivia could have stayed with you, and with all of us, for so much longer.”
“Even though Grace was with us for too short a time, she’d already brought her family so much joy. And she was already so loved.”
“I’m so sorry you’ve had to let go of the dreams you were already cherishing for your sweet Henry.”
“It just feels wrong that you should have to say good-bye to your baby girl. Whatever you’re feeling, please know you’re not alone. I’m just one of many who want to do whatever we can to support you in the weeks and months to come.”

“This a delicate and exclusive type of grief. This is not a community any of us could ever have imagined and there is absolutely no way to define it.” Randi O.

Be ready to support the parents in registering their baby’s stillbirth. In the UK, Baby loss certificates were launched in 2024 to recognise the parents’ grief. It might be very important to the parents to have paperwork that acknowledges their baby’s birth and officially record their baby’s name.

What Not to Say

“You can always try again.”
Pretty much any statement that starts with “at least” is a no.
“He/She is in a better place.” (“What better place could there be for a baby than in their parents’ arms?”Amy G.)

Other Ways to Offer Love and Support

Make a donation to a charity or the local children’s hospital in the baby’s memory.
“One of the most thoughtful gifts we received was a star named after our baby.”Amy G.
Give restaurant gift cards so the parents can order takeout. (Some grieving parents won’t want visitors, so this is a helpful alternative to bringing food.)
Give a framed image of their baby’s footprints, birth date, weight and length.
When talking about the baby, use his/her name…always. “We love talking about Elijah. When people ask questions or talk about him by name, it keeps his memory alive.”Josh G.
Continue to acknowledge the baby’s birth date in coming years.

Grandparents are greatly impacted by these losses too, they experience both the heartbreak for their own child’s loss, as well as grieving the death of their grandchild. If you know them, include them in your thoughts and messages as well.

Just as each sweet baby is unique, so is each loss and each grieving parent. No two mothers will feel the same way or need the same kind of support. Choose the words that are right for you and your relationship with them.

“We lost our Olivia at 35 weeks. The best thing anyone said during that time is, ‘I love you.’ Nothing else seemed quite right. I really think people need to practice doing acts of service like a friend showing up to do the dishes or laundry without being asked. If you ask someone grieving if you can help, they’ll probably say no. Just do it anyway.” Anna W.

If you can be that kind of friend, you’re doing it right.

Difficulty Conceiving or Fertility Issues

Though this is a different issue, it can still be hard to know what to say to those experiencing it. In the UK, 1 in 7 heterosexual couples will experience infertility*, the chances are that someone in your life has battled through the negative tests or endless needle pricks. How can you offer comfort and support when a friend confides in you?

*Source: National Institute for Health & Care Excellence (NICE)

What to Say

Acknowledge how awful it is. “This is rubbish and I hate that you’re going through this. I’m here to listen or cry or watch TV or whatever you need during this difficult time.”
“I know this isn’t the news you hoped for. I’m so sorry.”
“I hate seeing you hurting like this. Please know I’m hurting with you and holding you in my heart.”
“I’m here to love and support you on this crazy, painful, difficult path you never asked to be on. Holding your hand the whole way.”
“It must be hard to carry around this sadness that not many people even know about. If you ever feel like talking, or just taking your mind off things for a while, I’m here for you.”

“When I went through IVF, I just wanted my friends to recognize the total crappiness I was dealing with. I didn’t want encouragement—I wanted empathy and someone to be mad at the world with me.” Carrie V.

What not to say
“We want support and love and even mood-lifting humour! We do not want advice or stories.” Kim C.

“It’ll happen when you stop trying! Relax!”
“My cousin’s friend’s neighbour got pregnant at 45 by accident!”
“When the time is right…”
“Maybe you should just adopt.”
“You’re young! You have plenty of time.”
“At least you already have one.”
And don’t ask whose “fault” it is.

“We want support and love and even mood-lifting humour! We do not want advice or stories.” Kim C.

Other Ways to Offer Support

Babysit their older kids during difficult appointments.
Give a gift card for something they love or an experience to take their mind off the situation.
The frustration of trying to conceive can put extra pressure on a marriage. Offer a gift card for a night out for the couple to enjoy themselves and reconnect.
If your group of friends has a baby shower or young child’s birthday party, offer to spend the day together, get lunch or even just text or call to acknowledge the feelings of loss such events can bring up.

We hope these ideas help you to support those friends and family members who have experienced, or are experiencing, fertility challenges or the heartbreak of miscarriage and baby loss. Remember that bereaved parents want you to reach out and that a support network will help them in their grief. If you’re close to the parents, it’s also okay (and important) to take time to grieve yourself.